Tonight I roamed the streets of my town, with a high school partner in crime. Driving aimlessly for hours just like that night when we were 15 and kissed although tonight, no kissing but, memories. lots of memories. Of Big Black Cadillacs and parties and beer. He looks different I look different but his eyes are the same. Same eyes. Same smile. Same person in there, my only link to my past. our past.
Our past. Thats the part Ive missed from my life. I've moved eh 36 times? Im guessing. I stopped counting at 31 and that was several moves ago. I leave a little more behind each time I go so I have nothing even from 2 years ago with me let alone anything from so long ago. no people. Ive even forgotten names. Names he brought up and houses we drove past HOLY SHIT STUEY. i totally made out with stuey. and his crazy hair. I didnt even like him i think, i know, like that really. I just wanted love. thought he was funny. I guess. I dont remember.
I feel weird and fucked up like I belong here but dont? Even this house. They are swell but already I am no longer novel. Interest is wanning and I feel invisible. Im sure, that leads me to making videos in the first place. Being there for people like me, alone in their rooms, quietly creating. Awkward with boys. there was a boy the other day, in a store. I practically ran away I was so nervous. Which is funny because get me in a strip bar and I am in control. I hold my head high while wear nothing. I own every man in that room (did, past tense, as you know). But get me in the sunlight and look at me and ask me things and I cannot stop blushing.
He told me tonight I have to stop hiding. That I need to buy girly things and go somewhere where boys are. But I know I will only be sad when I get there. It seems so many things are confronting me in the last 2 weeks, leaving me all alone with myself and my emptiness. I am pms for sure, so that is probably it but still. I dont want to go to a bar alone and look for someone interesting to talk to, that will never happen. The wrong sorts go to bars anyway and you know my track record with first impressions. I fall in love at first site. Kiss now and find out youre a shithead later.
But Ive been running for so very long, dear chickies, that I am so far from everywhere Ive ever been. I cant feel anything, tangible. I hold onto pooh. pooh is real. pooh is what I have. brushes are real. and paints. How can one be terribly sad and terribly happy all at the same time?
I dont know if I will get this little dog. I have to ask questions about temperament and why they say she is 'shy'. Does that mean she is not good around other dogs? I want her and penny to get along, and what about cats? Oh i fall in love too quickly. I do.