Saturday, June 28, 2008

pms most likely

Tonight I roamed the streets of my town, with a high school partner in crime. Driving aimlessly for hours just like that night when we were 15 and kissed although tonight, no kissing but, memories. lots of memories. Of Big Black Cadillacs and parties and beer. He looks different I look different but his eyes are the same. Same eyes. Same smile. Same person in there, my only link to my past. our past.
Our past. Thats the part Ive missed from my life. I've moved eh 36 times? Im guessing. I stopped counting at 31 and that was several moves ago. I leave a little more behind each time I go so I have nothing even from 2 years ago with me let alone anything from so long ago. no people. Ive even forgotten names. Names he brought up and houses we drove past HOLY SHIT STUEY. i totally made out with stuey. and his crazy hair. I didnt even like him i think, i know, like that really. I just wanted love. thought he was funny. I guess. I dont remember.
I feel weird and fucked up like I belong here but dont? Even this house. They are swell but already I am no longer novel. Interest is wanning and I feel invisible. Im sure, that leads me to making videos in the first place. Being there for people like me, alone in their rooms, quietly creating. Awkward with boys. there was a boy the other day, in a store. I practically ran away I was so nervous. Which is funny because get me in a strip bar and I am in control. I hold my head high while wear nothing. I own every man in that room (did, past tense, as you know). But get me in the sunlight and look at me and ask me things and I cannot stop blushing.

He told me tonight I have to stop hiding. That I need to buy girly things and go somewhere where boys are. But I know I will only be sad when I get there. It seems so many things are confronting me in the last 2 weeks, leaving me all alone with myself and my emptiness. I am pms for sure, so that is probably it but still. I dont want to go to a bar alone and look for someone interesting to talk to, that will never happen. The wrong sorts go to bars anyway and you know my track record with first impressions. I fall in love at first site. Kiss now and find out youre a shithead later.

But Ive been running for so very long, dear chickies, that I am so far from everywhere Ive ever been. I cant feel anything, tangible. I hold onto pooh. pooh is real. pooh is what I have. brushes are real. and paints. How can one be terribly sad and terribly happy all at the same time?

I dont know if I will get this little dog. I have to ask questions about temperament and why they say she is 'shy'. Does that mean she is not good around other dogs? I want her and penny to get along, and what about cats? Oh i fall in love too quickly. I do.


sMacThoughts said...

Oh gosh, Suzi, I can relate to everything you are saying except I moved slightly less times, cling to my antique toys rather than animals, (allergic to cats, and no time/budget for a dog but hope one day) and never did the stripper thing. Men in bars who are our age and available have problems for sure. It's why they're available, and why they're there.

You have a wonderful, caring following , Suzi...I bet you could start a 'looking for a date' campaign and get lots of 'setups' from your viewing fans who would not steer you wrong. Maybe. You could write a list of traits you like and don't like, and see if anyone in the area has anyone they know! :)

LindyLou said...

It sounds like you're drifting, currents crossing one another and it's hard to tell what direction you should go in, much less which direction you can go in.
I'm always surprised that no matter how old I get (and I'm older than the very youthful you), the same issues confound me now as I struggled with when I was in high school or maybe even when I was younger.
Thinking about how much you've moved, how much you've shed and the new things you value as you go, it makes me think of a nomad. It's not a way of life that's easy, but it is a valid choice.
And families can't help taking people for granted. It's kind of like the saying that home is where when you go there, they have to let you in. It's assumed, right? Families assume and families take for granted. The up side is that if you're lucky, you don't perpetually have to impress them with some new version of the same you that you are.
And as for PMS? I once heard someone who knew (Dr. Northrup, perhaps?) say that women should pay real attention to the issues that bother them during pms-ing; when we're pms-ing we really see things as they are and know what things in our life we should change.
Keep strong, Suzi.

dreamergirl said...

I can relate to parts of what you wrote, today in particular. Don't have much to say mind is kinda blank. so just sending some dutchie love & hugs.


Anonymous said...

Hey SUzi,
I think that I understand what you are going through. The difference is that you are comfortable enough to make videos and I am not. So you can move to Chicago and we can go and meet boys together!
Before getting the puppy, meet her; see what she is like with you. Some dogs are just shy because they have been moved around a bit, so they do not know who to trust and are afraid to get comfortable. You might be good for her. And I know that she would be good for you. Keep us updated on that.

tascha said...

I think that you need to get out more, as do i.
It would be nice to join some sort of group, or take a cooking class or something to get out and meet people. I know this is what I need and I too should do it.
HUGS from t dot.

Trine said...

Oh just feel that's all. I know what you mean about being so strong in some situations and so vulnerable in others. You just never know where life will lead you. I met my husband 17 years ago this month in a biker bar, he was the head bouncer. We will celebrate 12 years of marriage in Sept. and have 2 sons. Still it seems like yesterday I was sitting in my '67 Plymouth getting stoned with my best friend in the Perkins parking lot, but I guess it was 20 years ago, how is that possible???? It's going to be fine, you've had so many life changes in such a short amount of time. You inspire many!!!!! Great chatting with you tonight even though I had to keep coming and going.

DeeDee said...

I have been feeling isolated too. Last week I was so happy; nothing has changed. Whatever I am feeling at the time feels so real and overpowering.

Anonymous said...

It's fine to run. You run towards things, you run away from things, both are necessary to get where you're going. There's only one kind of running that's absolutely pointless - and that's running away from yourself. I don't care how good you are at running ... you are never going to run hard enough, or far enough, to avoid waking up with yourself. And, that's just fine because it all really is O.K. - if you let it be.

Hadassah said...

That's so true my dear...
I know what you talking about...
I see a poet, a artist...
Simple and beautiful !

Hadassah said...

That's so true my dear...
I know what you talking about...
I see a poet, a artist...
Simple and beautiful !

Chi said...

‘Real’ people can be scary. Boys are scary. Emotions are scary. But we have to stop running from them. I say we, cause you are not the only one Suzi. It’s easier to read, create and dream away, but every once in a while ‘reality’ comes crashing and every time just a lil bit harder. We probably will never totally lose this feeling, but we can try to make sure that when it comes crashing, that it won’t destroy anything anymore. I know how hard and scary it is, but I have to believe that everything worth fighting for is worth having.

You are not invisible and we love you Sue!

nollyposh said...

Dear, dear Suzi... Perhaps you just need to get yourself a new "dReAm" hunny... I like the one about eMbRaCiNg that beautiful gypsy heart of yours and being an artist on the road who spreads lOvE everywhere she goes... You are SO FABULOUS at what you do X:-) What about an old combie van (Do you have them in the USA?) You could paint it bEaUtIfUl colors and TeAcH on the road... It's something you do SO well... You could paint all the beautiful people whose hearts you touch... Go embrace the world chickie and let the world embrace you... Set yourself FREE chickie... It's time to show the world who you really are (WE already KNOW!)
X;-) Luv ya, Vicki xox

renée bédard said...

I agree with Tascha. Maybe getting out and taking a class in sewing because you said you didn't sew.

Also, this time of year people need the sun or the vitamin benefits of sun. If you are not getting it well you might start to feel a little stir crazy, trapped and anxious. Also exercise in whatever form is really good because it sends endorphins through your body that make you feel happier. I get really bad anxiety attacks and just plain saddness because I stay to much indoors writing, writing, writing. So if I can go for even a walk or something it helps. Plus if you are sitting in air conditioning you need to get out as much as possible. Air conditioning always makes me feel trapped after awhile even though it is lovely to sit in to cool off.

Plus you always have ladies here to pour your heart out to on a regular basis. We won't judge, because we have baggage to and by sharing it with us, hopefully your baggage will get lighter to carry.

Also, all that household crap that you say you don't have doesn't matter. Heck I am about to move and I wish I didn't have all the crap I have. Stuff doesn't define who you are, it is your strength of character and yours is strong Suziblu. Why else would all of us ladies be drawn to you? It is not just your paintings, even though they are beautiful, it is your character. Your a good person. We see that side of you because you give it freely to us with no conditions. That is a gift.

aliceinparis said...

What Tascha said:)
Look for some classes to join. Learning new stuff and meeting new people and getting out of the house.
Volunteer somewhere. There are loads of opportunities and places desperate for volunteers. You can meet some really cool people.
Sad/happy at the same time....that is the way the world works I think.
Kisses from Nova Scotia xoxox

Diana Cornielle said...

Hey Suzi...I kind of understand how you feel. I'm married and have 3 wonderful kids but, I find myself very lonely too often. I'm always home except during class times, trying to create something all the time. I feel like I live in this "little" world of my own. It's okay, I guess because I'd rather be alone than with bad company, or with people who bring bad energy or negativity!

I agree that you should sign up for a sewing class and then maybe teach us (the ones who don't sew either) the tricks of it. huh? what you think? Cheer up! There's many wonderful things ahead of you. Just be a little more patient, you'll see....
You bring so much love and inspiration to all of us. We are here for you my dear!

Deborah said...

xoxoxoxox and lololol

No words of wisdom here. Been there, done that, and have dozens of the t-shirts to prove it. :D

Anonymous said...

Suzi i can totally relate as do the other girls here of what you're saying and feeling...i to myself am going through the very same thing. when i have a relationship i dont want it...when i dont have one i want it...the latest relationship, he is trying sooooo very hard to crack that shell that i think you have as well..and i dont knw how to let it go...and its so true about running away from doesnt work. i have tried and i keep returning to the same place...and that is because i have not learned the lesson that is out there for me to learn...i can not ignore it i must be strong and learn it...i am discovering the sooner i start facing these heardles the sooner i can grow and be a better me...its funny you say your hang with someone from high school because right now that is exactly what is happening to me..!!!! that is soooo weird!!! be true to you., which you are...write yourself a letter of who you want to be in your life, what he is to be like and send it out to the will come back...join a class to get out, maybe a sport maybe sewing as others have suggested? ive heard taking a wine class is very interesting...just ideas...
you are a very inspirational soul and i do so admire you sweetie..:)

Jerdleluvsjapan said...

I agree with nollyposh. You were so excited a while back about your wonderful idea to get a vehicle - I think you should get an old VW van, oh wait, that's my dream, hehe. Anyway, get your vehicle, go out and spread love and art.. I hear the more love you spread around, the more that comes back to you. If so, perhaps what you are looking for will then come to you. But whatever you do, you have to be happy with you and you alone first.

gina said...

suzi just keep doing what you do you are so free to do what ever you want ,if i saw friends from high school id be nervous because i was so much cooler when i was young.but i also need to get out to meet 3d people so i cant are really talented and beautiful inside and out .and any man or woman would love to be with you as a friend then if you are ready then your lover,its what you want,do a visual law of attraction board put all what you want and who knows what the world will bring you.give it a try i want to make one,love ya lots gina

cuteartworld said...

Suzi I know this might sound silly but it is the only thing I know to tell you. You are an Artist you should paint your life as you want it to be. I noticed that most of your paintings usually consist of a single girl and sometimes her puppy or kitties. I believe that our life becomes what we express through our art. So if it is a prince charming on a white horse you desire than add him in your painting with your little princess. Paint the home you truly see as being your final home. Painting is what makes you happy,complete your life story with it,every desire you would like in your life! This is the secret to owning your own dreams. You have the power to make what ever you dream of come into your life. The power of attraction is in your art Suzi. I too have PMS days like I have nothing really to be unhappy about, although I just am..I just try to get through them. I hope you are feeling better soon. I tried for 8 hours yesterday to create and my lil Julia needed me so much that at the end I was crawling out of my digital art. If you want a good laugh at my feelings then come on over to my place and see my latest Digi art. By the way your picture post of your self last night is really cool!

boneman said...

well, I'll be.
Dang, sometimes y'think you're the only one where you are, but, when you stop and focus, slowly others come into to view.
Like for instance, before i was 13 I had seen or been to near 3/4 of the world.
Japan, Germany were the farthest places. Born in Georgia. It's a blur, sometimes to think about.
Georgia, California, Japan (where my brother was born) Washington, Lousianna, Arkansas, Florida, Texas, South Carolina, Germany, Netherlands, New Jersey, Minnesota, Tennessee, Indiana.
Then after two junior highs (parents moved across town in October) I got kicked out of the first high school I went to (and why my parents were surprised, I have no idea) followed by dropping out of three different high schools. Joined the army, Kentucky, Georgia, Alabama, North Carolina, Viet Nam, North Carolina, again, then honorable discharge, Fort Wayne (Indiana) and after a dozen moves inside the city, two divorces (yeah...big surprise, eh?) and being in Indianapolis area with no home to speak of, moved in with some guy that needed someone to watch his dogs when he went on vacations.
Oh sure, then i started growing roots, but, dang!
I look at Steve (he's the guy that let me move in...sometimes I think he regretted it, other times I think he knows he lucked out) and except for when he did his army time and one more short stay in California as a musical director, he's always lived within twenty-five miles of where he was born.

He goes to the grocery and can't get out of there without seeing someone who , I dunno, traded diaper stories with.

Which is the better, eh?
I couldn't tell you who ANY of my teachers were. Steve can name every one of them from Kindergarten. He goes to those class reunions and all of them are the same, too. comes Gni. She's looking for some comfort, I think.
Well, I dunno. Sometimes I think she knows when I get sad about things and she wanders over and nudges me.
Hey, gotta go and play, now.
Catch ya later.

By the way, all the moving made you who you are. That's all you have to think about, I reckon.
Who you are now.

But, moving is hard on a person.
So's staying in the same place.

TheMagicBartender said...

*Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug* *Hug*


<3<3 XOXO <3<3
Cheers, Sue `*>~[

Shell said...

You have that gyspy blood in you, Suzi that a lot of us artists have in one form or another.
You had a lot on your plate recently. So please be gentle with yourself. I do baby steps with myself when my life gets chaotic.
As for having a great boy in your life, I did a vision board for all the stuff I want to manifest for me. You can do that for yourself with a guy. It will help you get clear on what you really want. That will help in attracting the right boy for you.

Mudfrost said...


Just know that most guys are every bit as shy as you. In fact, that's partially the reason we come off as imbeciles when we're with someone who moves and excites us.
We try so hard to not show our embarrassment and, God forbid, our faults, we end up little more than a fool. Inside we're all just mush.

Honesty. That's what we all want.

Carys Haaf said...

Hia Suzi, huugs.
I know how you feel with guys, I always get nervous around them, especially if they're coming on to me.!!! I sometimes think that someday the right guy will come along and everything will be just fine and all will be comfartable.
Believe in your dreams

Anonymous said...

Dear Suuz...who am I to speak? But reading the entanglements of your life and the emptiness you're going through...maybe you've ran away for long enough. Maybe it's time to look in the mirror, open your eyes and really look...I mean, REALLY take a look at yourself. My guess is that you find that really hard to do...afraid to see that side of you where there's no control...the side of you you're ashamed of. Unworthy. Because you're different.

It's only a guess. Or say it yourself...because you preach of the yourself...respect yourself. And you're so right...and so sweet to wish for everyone to love themselves...but knowing it is not the same as doing it. And I think you've got a few more steps to take yourself. A few more steps before you can look past the belittled see that you're really okay. Not great, not aweful...but okay with all your pros and cons.

There's a wise woman inside of you...and I bet she's willing to accept you as you are...

We all do, for one.

Hear me preach! Well, I've been there, done that, felt that. And got on top of it.

You will too!!!

And before I go, just one more thing: you don't need those just need that one guy...that guy who makes you feel good, because he really deserves you!

I wish you strength, fun, wisdom, joy, laughter and a well polished mirror!!!

Lots of love from a lonesome creator sistah from the East!!!

Babytreese said...

Hey sorry you have the blues my dear. You have a lot of good comments here...2 that I love were from Tascha and Shell...get out! Join a artsy fartsy group with people that are creative like you! And make that vision board! You are so good with collage...I'm sure this would be great therapy for you. Here's hoping you have a better can you not knowing that so many people care about you? ;=) *hugs*

mccabe said...

(((((((sweet suzi))))))

i just came out the other side of something very similar. different circumstances of course, but i know all too well the feeling of being different and lonely in that-even with a great guy in the picture.

be ever so gentle with your beautiful heart. teeny tiny steps are good. just keep moving. :) it will all make sense in the end.

also, remember that you are doing great NOW too, by being honest with how you feel and what you want. you are brave.

go from there, artist healer-girl.
we love you...

mccabe x
your mermaid friend

The Joyful Artist said...


I think you are awesome, you are a floating leaf as my girlfriend would put it. Life just picks you up and takes is good to be free but it Is hard not to have our roots firmly planted. Allow life to lift you and to help you to fly. Trust in who you are and know that you are a treasure. Know deep down that that joy which you share with us all here is a wonderful part of you which will never go away. Appreciate the downtimes for without those you would not know how lucky you are to have the joy. Remember and Believe at all times that you Will find what you want in life and that you deserve it.
Big Canadian Bear Hugs
Cindy (The Joyful Artist)

Jessica said...

video best enjoyed by sitting back and closing your eyes.

Eveline said...

I know the feeling... I went from high school to high school. The schoolsystem is different in Holland and I went from the highest level to almost the lowest and then worked myself back to the half way mark.. Which meant it took me 8 instead of 6 years, in 3 different schools in 7 different classes.. I know no-one from back then, faces are blurs, names vaguely ring bells but I can't really remember the people...

And now I've moved to another country. I spend as much time as I can with my Love, and with my paints and laptop. I don't socialize much, I don't have any girlfriends here. The few I have got are back in Holland, so it's more of an online thing. And of course there's the online contacts/friendships I've got.

Sometimes it gets me down a bit, I'd love a new best friend, but sometimes I think it's just for the best. ;)

About the doggy: please make sure she is everything you want, in each and every way. Remember: dogs are not just to mend Suzi Blu's broken heart, they are for life. ;)

eeny said...

I am reading your blog and watching your videos for a while now. And you inspire me a lot. I started an art journal and I love being creative.

Reading your post today makes me to leave a comment... finally.

I can soooooooo relate to what you wrote. I am kind of feeling the same, too. Feeling invisible... alone ... empty ... haveing no clue where I belong ... no clue where to go. So I am hiding in my little world for my own. Pretending to be alright but actually being all confused. And everyone thinks I am strong and know my way around. But they don't look close enough to see the big wall around me, that I built up. Hoping someone will ever care enought to tear it down and rescue me into the real world.

Well, enough about me.

I just want to let you know, that you are part of my world and I care about you even if we don't know each other. You helped me to get my thoughts out on paper through painting and writing. Thank you so much.

Now girl, lets face the real world.
Let's try it. I most defenitely know it is hard... and I am not really doing it... but I have to keep telling me that and maybe one day I can do it.

Let's try!!

Larke Jewell said...

I think when individuals feel so intensely and love so easily that when life doesn't seem what we think it should be then we sit and analyze everything and it makes us feel even more lonely. I feel lonely often, and more so since my move from FL where I "felt" connected and grounded. We all had dreams as little girls of what should be, and often those dreams were great then, but as we grow and life begins to surround us in such a way, that it leads to experiences and growth. All of these experiences make us who we are, and we are all special, sometimes we just don't see it, but others do. It is okay to run towards love, then runaway from it. It is who we are, those of us that can love this way. I run into love so often, then afterwards I look back at the hurt and pain caused by this experience (friends, jobs, men, etc), that most often I forget to love myself. It is in loving ourselves first that we then can love the way we intend to or dream of. Such a hard thing to do, love ourselves for who we really are. One of my loving spiritual teachers made me write my own obituary once. When I was done, she read it and stated "you are so much more then this". She made me re-write it and then told me that this is how I should live my life, so that in the end this is what people would say. It was such a healing process for me, that often I re-do this lesson, so I can find where I am at in life at this moment and grow from it. It helps me to live the life, or try to, the way I want, to love and be loved, to create happiness and peace for myself and those I love. So maybe....just maybe, this lesson would be a good one for your art journal.
I send you much love, light and well being.
Love, Larissa

rafael said...

get out more! its only going to be akward at first but it can only get better from there. im like that.i run away from meeting new ppl. and they think its because i think im to good for them. but its not. you are hiding in your fear. its normal. everyone gets like that. just know that you can only try, try your best and that feeling will disapear. not overnight.

Sarah Whitmire said...

I think you need to find a man with a similar creative soul. I wouldn't look at bars, I'd look at galleries and art events...maybe even guys who work at craft stores? Have you thought of teaching art classes and getting to know other's in your area who love art as much as you do?

I also live and breathe art here in my little space. I paint and glue and create 8-10 hours a wasn't until I found a man who also had an artist's soul that I am able to truly be happy. Now we sit and create and dream in our little space together.

Don't give up hope...he's out there.



Flassie's Fil'a said...


Do you have a Peach Tree?

Check out the link I put up
today to a medicineherbel site.

She talk's about the Peach Tree
and PMS.

I got rid of PMS when I got rid of Candidsis (Overgrowth of Yeast) in my intestines and lungs.

I like the ideas of taking different classes, learning something new and volunteering.

It's always good for the brain to do learn something different. Not learn how to paint different but like, learn a new language, learn to dance, etc. Something different from what you do everyday and already know.

I watched a show on the brain with Dr. Daniel Amen and learned a lot. It was a PBS special. He said the best exercise for the brain is Table Tennis.

How about go for a walk or hiking.
There is a Wild Food Adventures on a link on my blog entry June 24, 2008. In Cairo WV they are having a Wild Foods Weekend in September. I don't know the cost of it though.

I don't know how close that is to you. Just putting something out there that would get you out of the house.

Write a list of things that
you can do. Do you draw at
all while sitting in a cafe
or outdoors in a park.

Can you get together with
other artists?

Teach a class somewhere
outside of home?

What about getting a spot at
a local Farmer's or Weekend
Market and paint there while
selling some painting or prints.
That will get you out.

I went through the same thing about
wanting someone to love me and ended up with the wrong guys.

I'll keep you in my prayers and
pray that the right person will
come into your life!

God thinks about you all the time. He breathe life into You and He Loves You Suzi Blu!!! You can count on that when your feeling down.

God Bless You Suzi Blu!!!

rafael said...

maybe you could go to galleries? artsy stuff? not at bars tho.

Diane said...

Suzi, After reading your blog today I love and respect you even more.....the good, the bad and the ugly. It doesn't matter.
Yesterday I was thinking about the dog that you want to adopt. I REALLY REALLY hope you get her. I saw the way you were with LuLu. Everyone could see that you truly loved her. This dog will be good for you.
Also, no one is saying it here but I will. Grrrlscout or whatever she called herself was a nut case. All of us who care about you can understand why you had to get out of that situation. I guess everything in life teaches us a lesson. Sometimes we just have to move on without looking back.

rafael said...

hey diane,
EVERYONE knows shes a nutjob! you can tell even thru cyberspace!

rafael said...

there is nothing wrong with falling in love fast. belive me

mccabe said...

ps my neighbors dog ellie is very "shy" and reserved. she is from a pound and probably was mistreated, she even runs away when you say hello to her! but once she gets to know she is soooo sweet and tender, a true buddha puppy.


i am more of a cat person but i am so attached to this angel of a pup. you would love her too sue.


Anonymous said...

Dear Suzi ~ hey, I understand where you are coming from - it seems many of us do. So, maybe this isn't so "not normal" after all. =) As far as PMS, I think you and I are the same age and things just start to get more and more wonky as we near premenopause. Have you talked to a dr about it? There are lots of things to do that can help lift some of the worst of the symptoms. Also, I remember a while back you talked about wanting a place - a farm or something - where you could do art and teach art. I think that is a wonderful idea - a perfectly SUZI idea. It doesn't have to START as a farm...what if it started as a trailor? or a teeny, tiny house? Suzi's Creative Cottage! You could plant all kinds of flowers and paint it all kinds of wonderful, delicious colors inside and out! You could make and sell arts and kits and have classes in the tiny backyard under a pavilion...=) You also said you were new to scrapbooking - maybe you could join a scrapping class or some scrapbook stores have open crop times where you can go and hang out and do pages and meet other like-minded folks. I think you have LOTS and LOTS of friends and people who love you so much. We are real life people - we just live all over the world. I know it isn't exactly the same...I wish I had some in-real-life girlfriends, too, to hang out with and do things with. But I cherish the contacts I make online.

Hang in there ~ we're all here for you! Hugs, Donna

Anonymous said...

I agree with Shell. Do a vision board. Put it on your wall. Display all the things you want/need in your life that will be for your good and for the good of those around you. Thank God for bringing these things into your life now as if he has promised them to you. Believe. Trust. It will come to you. Have peace in your heart, Suzi. You are loved.

Shonna said...

I think Tascha is right. You need to get involved with a group. There is a great site and you type in your zip code. A long list of groups in your area will pop up. All kinds of groups. Art, girlfriends, vegetarians etc. You sign up and then check the calendar for events you may want to go to. I belong to a moms meetup in my town. I joined when I stopped working to be with my son. Let me tell you, it has been a life saver for me. I have met some wonderful women and have made some great friends. Hang in there! We love you!!

renelli said...

Suzi, it sounds to me that you are alone too much. Why don't you put the word out online that you want to invite people over to your house and start doing short little art meetings? You could charge a small fee like $20.00 pp and work as a group to learn different techniques. I did this and now we have a regular monthly class, I didn't charge anything though because I'm not a professional like you are. People would pay money to just sit and watch you! You don't need bars, you need friends (the kind that have flesh and bones that you can hug and see in person) they will help you find nice men to date.

Anonymous said...

Wow... I continue to be impressed with how vulnerable and transparent you allow yourself to be. Bless you for that. As awkward of a place as you feel that you're in right now, may I just share that you've been a complete delight and inspiration to a whole group of us 40 something women in Pasadena. We love you and have so much fun because of the open and spontaneous fun that you model.

Because of you:

doulanana said...

Oh dear Suzi, it's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.
You are real, we are real. We need your inspiration and insight and sweetness, so in the meantime, while you wait for your joy that is just around the corner, continue to be the wonderful woman that is Suziblu!

Lindsey Rae said...

Once you leave home, you can never really go home again....

Iris said...

How can one be terribly sad and terribly happy all at the same time?

Personally I have a tendency to feel bad about feeling bad. Or worse, if I feel bad, but also feel good, I'll feel bad about feeling good because I'm supposed to feel bad. It sounds rather contradictory but I do think it's normal and I think it's GOOD to let yourself feel the feelings. And to recognise the importance of them and their complexity and the fact you can feel two (or more) contradictory things at the same time.

By the way, I'm not advocating wallowing (although a little bit of wallow is nice.. sometimes) but just saying that feeling the feeling is better than resisting it or denying it as it will only come back to bite you in the face at a later date.

Jane said...

you are so right, smacthoughts...the good men are not in the bars at night, that's for sure. Suzi, you have given the search for love every opportunity, and now it is love's turn to find you. maybe in a store or Border's or something, who knows. One of my friends (age 53) just married the most gorgeous doctor, and she met him at Starbuck's. Couldn't believe he was single. He was just really over the bar scene and happened to be in there getting a latte and there she was, with three kids and more baggage than LaGuardia on a holiday weekend. Neither one of them was in there looking for more than a caffeine fix, but they instantly formed a powerful bond based on all the best things about both of them. Sounds like science fiction, but I'm telling you about it so you'll know it can happen!

Ebeth said...
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