Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Suzi's sermon from bedland.
It's drying up but I have a little fever. you can see the slight swelling on my cheek. I guess I got a little sick along the way. No video this week I have to rest. but when I feel better Ill make it a super duper one I promise. Today Im gonna shower and read and relax. altho I really want to paint dont you hate that? when your mind is fine but your body wants to quit.
Interesting about the boy with the painting with his poo video - metaphor for shitting on suzi blu. which I find hilarious and creative actually. (metaphorically, Im not into that in case youre wondering) even tho man i dont ever want to see that again...how interesting that someones vulnerability/happiness is so threatening to another person that they must try to hurt that person. right? Like, if someone is miserable, they really dont like to be around happy people. happy people require you to change. The old 'misery loves company' deal is true because if Im sad and doing nothing about it and you are sad and doing nothing about it - we both stay in our comfort zones and dont have to actually do anything about our sadness. It is easy to stay sad. (not fun mind you. no one really wants to be sad.) Its quite hard to not indulge. (just throw chocolate in front of me and Ill show you how hard. or a fishbOi).
I heard somewhere that God is happy all the time. So, when you are happy, you are aligned with God (i.e. your true nature). We are supposed to be happy we are supposed to live in bliss. Bliss/Love is our natural state. Everything else is delusion/false/misunderstanding.
And to a 20 year old boy mad at the world and without enough heartwrenching experience to make him compassionate toward others, suzi seems polyanic to his world. Lets show her how crappy my world really is! He is crying. literally. for someone to see his sadness to see how bad its gotten for him. But maturity and spirituality would take his situation to a different realm, theyd say yes, it is so bad for me, and suzi shows us that even in the most darkness, hope remains. and you know what, if they put that on my tombstone Id be happy with that. Thats what it comes down to no matter what it is. If you make art and are awkward with the materials, hold onto the idea that you can and will get more control over what you are doing. If you are poor and watch tv on a milk crate, hold onto the idea that you have that wonderful tv and to many people in Africa that is abundance.
Although faith is a stronger word I do believe the first step is hope becasue when we are at our edge faith seems like a lie. Hope is a first step. Its at least an open door with light coming thru it. we dont know if we will get there, but we sure are going to try. and that is the motivating force that will lead you out of darkness. and because I have this hope that eventually I will make my way to the door I have the strength to deal with the fact that right now doesnt feel so good. in fact, the relaxation I feel knowing that someday this pain will be over opens up a place inside me to find some small joy about where Im at now.
Like today. i still have a fever. I have no advil and must drive feeling so shitty and looking so wretched to the store (yes Im vain, insecure mostly that no one will love me if Im ugly)and oh poor me I dont feel good and Im behind on paintings and on and on and on but....
ooh i get to buy a reeces peanut butter cup when Im there and hot cocoa and I get to come back here and go back to sleep and read my book and I can rest and dream for a few days. this is temporary. and if its not and I die from PI poisoning. so be it. I have Lulu kisses and chocolate and you know, and you know, sometimes, that is enough. It can be enough, if we let it.
Its good to want things but its better to find the qualities of what you want in what you already have.