Tuesday, January 22, 2008

You know what?


Tomorrow Im buying a freaking easel.
A boy that good looking dying for no good reason
I deserve a god damn easel.
I prop boards and canvas against a book shelf and I paint a little
then it falls off the edge. so then Ill move it and lean it against the
windows but the madness has got to stop.
I am painting full time=I get to buy an easel.

Im pretty sad. At first I wasn't but Ive been crying off and on.
I really dug him. He made stupid movies in between the good ones,
I rented Casanova just last week cause hes just so nice, was so nice,
to look at. Perfect jaw, Like Alexander the Great.
And he tried to be normal he'd walk around new york and didnt act
like a movie star.

and so pooh wont eat I dont know what to do.
I tried babyfood, it worked for 2 days then he refused.
bought fancy feast and he loved it! Then refused it.
Now he refused this other brand I bought. and hes drinking
more water. thats not a good sign.
pooh has kidney failure if you didn't know. I give him IV fluids every other day.
he still plays and acts normal so its not the end but
I dont know why he wont eat. or what he wants to eat.

When people die nothing feels real and I
pace the apartment and cant seem to hold onto anything.
you know?
you cant really hold on to anything.

but the painting is going well so there is that.

I wanted to tell you.
Starting the last Sunday of every month there will be a journal video.
with an assignment- you then will have 3 weeks to send me a jpg of your journal page (that completes the assignment lesson not just any journal page) and I will add it to a montage that will showcase your work at the end of the next journal video, cool?

So all of this starts this sunday afternoon.

Its so cold out there but I need a shot of mocha latte and a boston creme doughnut.
I want to assault myself with sugar.

21 comments:

gina said...

im so glad you didnt go off the cliff assault yourself with chocolates lattes and i have 3 easles and still hold the matboard in my left hand till the pain says put it down goof ball. when i was young i dreamed of how awsome it would be to see two men love eachother the movie was hot but still uncomfortable to watch. i probably need a therapist but art is what i hold on to for my therapy hold on su and when ya get to be with your girlfriend in virginia you wont ever need to pace the apt again you need loving and you will get it and an easel id give you mine you know that . .love gina

TheMagicBartender said...

I'm so sorry your hurting. I hope you find PEACE in you again very soon.

But, before you spend too much on an easel though, Here's a DIY, FYI...

Crutch Art Easel
Recycle crutches to make this unique easel, from DIY Network's "B. Original, episode BOR-409 with instructions found at this web address!
http://www.diynetwork.com/diy/cr_painting_staining/article/0,2025,DIY_13770_5275216,00.html

Hope it helps, and makes you smile! I Love Mine!! Keep your chin UP! ;-D
Cheers, Sue `*>~[
<3 <3 XOXO <3<3

mercury said...

this makes no sense to me after the last month...

my husband's 65 year old uncle has begun smoking meth in the last couple of years. Between that and the alcohol that's been a fixture forever, his health is VERY bad. last week he was found stumbling down his road in 17* temps. his blood alcohol content that day was double what would kill a normal person... yet he lives on.

another family member was recently arrested on some felony charges and we've since learned that he's been shooting heroin for awhile now. We knew he was doing some heavy stuff, but had no idea it had escalated to that point.

both of these people should have been dead many times over yet they still breathe and live and get to "enjoy" life (if you can call that enjoyment).

they still have a chance, even if they never make the choice to take it.

Why do some people get so many chances to finally get it right?

Debra said...

Suzi,

I am truly sorry about Ledger, but more concerned about pooh. We lost our Yorkie a couple years ago to kidney disease, even though my daughter did everything to help her hold on. Roxy had a full life and my only concern then was "please, no pain". We had lost my puppy 6 months before we had to "let Roxy go" and it was so hard, so very hard.

Still I can see my daughter (24 at the time) holding Roxy one last time. The doctor was so kind and then she put her head down and let out a small sigh. Funny she always used to be afraid of the vets office before, but that day she was calm and lay in Stephs arms as if to say "I am ready, just let me go".

It is always a tragedy when someone so young leaves us for no apparent reason, but then the thought oflosing someone you love (even your furry family) is just so much to bear. I will say a prayer for "pooh" to St. Francis.

Deb

Nerd Bunny said...

Oh Suzi, sorry to hear that Pooh is not so good. Thinking of you both and sending virtual hugs.
NB x

beth said...

"you cant really hold on to anything.." that really resonated with me suzi.. i lost my sister last year to cancer and it has been one of the most difficult things to go through..yet i know she is watching over me..i wanted to share this poem with you as it has helped me and when you said you can't really hold on to anything it crossed my mind.. it's called In Black Water Woods by Mary Oliver here's a link i found on google
http://www.breakoutofthebox.com/blackwaterwoods.htm
give pooh hug from an admirer.
Beth

SisterJulia said...

That some of the things that give our lives depth and sacredness are dark and harder to bear is horrible at the time.
I wish Pooh comfort and a sense satisfaction whatever he eats or not...he has a wonderful witness and companion in you Suzi.
I wish you peace and the knowing quietly, in the back of your heart, that after the most troubled winters, Spring will soon be here.

Vivian said...

Peace and comfort to you, Mz. Blu and Poo!

Looking forward to the assignment this Sunday. Thank you!

Diane Duda said...

I'm sad too. It sucks.

Hugs to pooh.

Di

Jonna Barnett said...

So sad. I can relate to what is going on with Pooh we've lost both a dog and a cat to kidney failure before. And they would do the same with the eating. We would have to change to something different every few days. Try some roasted chicken it should work for a while.

Victorian Lady said...

Hi Suzi! :) You don't know me yet...I left a message on your myspace, but I don't think you've logged in since. Anyway, I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and that Pooh's not feeling well. I did some googling and they suggest a low protein diet. I was thinking maybe you could significantly water down some vegetarian cat food, enough so that he could drink it? At least that way he could get some nourishment? They also have liquid syringe thingies to give babies medicine...it would help you put some in his mouth. The water is good for him, helping to clear his kidney of waste. I'm not a vet, just some of what I found online. Hugs to you both! Keep us posted :) -Mere

Kim said...

Sweet hugs and Art Journal love coming your way Suzi....hang in there sweetie! Since I do not have the capabilities for video, I am very excited about being able to send you a jpeg file!!!!

meena p said...

much love to pooh and you!! sometimes when I think, really think about death and dying i have little and sometimes not so little panic attacks thinking about how after all you go through you're just gone in the end. my mom likes to think that it's lack of faith on my part, ie: because i don't necessarily believe in god, and heaven, and hell as she does, she says that's where she pulls her strength from, knowing that there's something afterwards. faith like that never was much comfort for me, but what did eventually calm me down was simple science as a friend in high school reminded me: "you can neither create or destroy energy." so though you can't take anything with you, you'll always be around, one way or another.
-m.

Lisa said...

I couldn't figure out who you were talking about. I hadn't heard. I can't believe it. He was amazing.

AnnaDenise (ann-d) said...

You deserve a thousand easels. And lots and lots of sugar.

I'm sorry you're feeling sad.

Always let go, never give up.

suze said...

KIDNEY DISEASE SUCKS!!
Sending kitty kisses to Pooh from Harley and me.I am also dependent on sugar in hard times.Hang in there,Suz!

marianne said...

Hi Suzi,
My cat Lotus has kidney failure as well. She pies all over the house..... She is on a diet now, hope it will work.
So sad also about Heath. Sometimes sad things pile up and tears are a good cure to make your heavy heart a little lighter.
Look forward to your sunday video.
Hug

Barbara said...

This is too sad. It's sad enough when an aging person dies, but he was far too young and still beginning a brilliant, promising life. A two-year old daughter.

Buy yourself the easel.

Live life fully.

By the way, thank you very much for your blog. I find it inspiring.

Ms Dragonfly said...

i'm so sorry about poo, i hope he gets better!

it is so unreal that heath is gone, it's like he can't be, it just can't be true!

Lin Lin said...

Suz, hearing your pain saddens me yet I am honored at your willingness to share with all of us. I have lost beloved pets and family to that mysterious place. I say this to let you know you are not alone and these things are a part of the Yin and Yang of the whole universe. Wishing you and Pooh the best, and tender hugs. LinLin

Dave said...

I hope those sutras that I sent to you will help Pooh recover soon.