Um, so...uh....I got a ..... 65 on my math test. I got a D. yup. First D I've had since 11th grade when I had two gyms and stayed out 3 periods for lunch. Except for 2 questions where I did not know what I was doing, the rest were calculator errors. which is inexcusable. Pressing numbers quickly and not double checking my answers. Many, many, errors like that. I guess I was so nervous I didn't notice. i have time to make this up, its just one of several tests. But still it was like.......when I get a bad grade or get in trouble in some way, I often feel like I am bad in some way. That the badness rubs off onto me and I am then only worth a D. I dont know what that is. All my life I have internalized the consequences of my behavior. If people gave me praise then I was worth goodness....if they put me down...then I was down on the ground.
Its a struggle to stay balanced in the face of our behavior, and to other's reactions toward us. We cannot be blown apart by every wind. YOU are not the sum of your actions. YOU are not WHAT YOU DO. Although when we do well we want to feel like what we do is who we are, but its not. Like wearing clothes, good deeds, bad deeds, they are actions. Who we are underneath all of that has nothing to do with how we behave. We are always good. There is no sin or 65% D grade to tear away at our authentic selves. We are still as innocent as when we were babies. we are. sometimes though, we forget that. Thats all it is.
So today I remember who I am and love myself even though I get scared and rush through math tests. The world wont crash if I try my hardest and fail at this class. I dont think Ill fail. I will slow down and be better prepared next time. There is always a next time.
NEW VIDEO TOMORROW. There is a wonderful girl who has a journal site and I wanted to help her out, so we have another assignment video tomorrow (friday).
Ok, I must do homework.
Have a great night,