Thursday, October 04, 2007


Um, so...uh....I got a ..... 65 on my math test. I got a D. yup. First D I've had since 11th grade when I had two gyms and stayed out 3 periods for lunch. Except for 2 questions where I did not know what I was doing, the rest were calculator errors. which is inexcusable. Pressing numbers quickly and not double checking my answers. Many, many, errors like that. I guess I was so nervous I didn't notice. i have time to make this up, its just one of several tests. But still it was like.......when I get a bad grade or get in trouble in some way, I often feel like I am bad in some way. That the badness rubs off onto me and I am then only worth a D. I dont know what that is. All my life I have internalized the consequences of my behavior. If people gave me praise then I was worth goodness....if they put me down...then I was down on the ground.
Its a struggle to stay balanced in the face of our behavior, and to other's reactions toward us. We cannot be blown apart by every wind. YOU are not the sum of your actions. YOU are not WHAT YOU DO. Although when we do well we want to feel like what we do is who we are, but its not. Like wearing clothes, good deeds, bad deeds, they are actions. Who we are underneath all of that has nothing to do with how we behave. We are always good. There is no sin or 65% D grade to tear away at our authentic selves. We are still as innocent as when we were babies. we are. sometimes though, we forget that. Thats all it is.
So today I remember who I am and love myself even though I get scared and rush through math tests. The world wont crash if I try my hardest and fail at this class. I dont think Ill fail. I will slow down and be better prepared next time. There is always a next time.
NEW VIDEO TOMORROW. There is a wonderful girl who has a journal site and I wanted to help her out, so we have another assignment video tomorrow (friday).
Ok, I must do homework.
Have a great night,


Dawn said...

wow. i really feel you here girl. especially today. i haven't been able to get a job recently (the past month) and i'm an independent contractor (meaning, there is only me to make or break it)... and, well, i feel like i have gotten a D in "performance" or "having sh*t together in life". =( and i feel like crap. so i am trying to embrace the fact that this is not me, or all of me, this is a down time or *whatever*... but i'm not loving myself too much... but i'm tryin... on another note. i am still doing the mini paintings. they are keeping me sane right now, and something i can get lost in... thanks for that!

DAWN said...

{{hugs}} to Suzi.

Brahdelt said...

I wanted to tell you this but you said it yourself - there's always a next time! I believe in this, anything that goes wrong - there's always a second (and third, and...) try. Don't worry and I'm sending over to you my maths vibes (I was always good at maths, so now I may as well share it with the needy! *^v^*). Mathematical hugs & kisses! *^v^*

Kira said...

Aww, hun. I graduated college with honors, something not many do, and I have a secret....ready?

I failed statistics the first time I took it!

Not only that, but it was at a community college (oposed to those "harder" private schools...). I felt SO HORRIBLE. But then I realized my talents lie elsewhere, that I wasn't built for that kind of math.

And then I went back and re-took the class. Tried harder. Proved that, when I first took the class, it wasn't the right time for me to do so, that I was better than that grade.

I got a B+ the second time. Showed the Universe that I can do it...just give me a little time!

I'm adoring your videos and about to do my own self-portrait. I was going to email you this week sometime about perhaps an article or some pages for my 'zine....look out for will be sent when I am in the right mood for emails (for now, I am in the mood to read and draw and perhaps eat!).

<3 Kira

Goddess of Leonie said...

you are a champion darlin...
so true, your beautiful worth has got nothing to do with a maths test...

we are such special, sacred, goddess beings...

hugs to your precious self ~~~

Deborah said...

I'm impressed that you even took the test! I was lucky to get D's on any math type test I ever took in school! My brain just refuses to work that way...I still count on my fingers. However, if getting a 'good' grade in Sadistics (whatever that is), is what you want...then I want it for you too. sooo rock the paper!

Kimberly said...

You are not a CHAIR SuziBlu!
You are a Muse!

Who needs Math anyway? Do you measure out paint? Do you count your brush strokes? Do you only draw in geometric shapes using only right angles? I say you take that math test and modge podge it into your art journal... then you know what to do!

:) - Kim

suze said...

I like Kim's comment. Math is over rated. Math caused more problems with myself and my Mom...I just couldn't get it. And guess what? I really didn't need it.
Hang in there, you will do better next time....and cheer up!

Robyn said...

Hey, don't beat yourself up over one less than excellent grade. Some of my students would be delighted to get 65% in a maths test. It's all relative, really. Here in Australia students are rewarded for getting the process right and the product is a bonus. All of us have our own particular intelligence and yours is most certainly your artistic intelligence. Keep your head up and be PROUD!

martha said...

Suzi---I LOVE your vlog! It has inspired me, after months of procrastination and not feeling "good enough", to just PLAY in my art journal that I have owned forever but been afraid to make a mark in. Because I don't have to make a perfect composition, or paint a Rembrandt, or write a masterpiece. All that matters is that I write what I feel, paint what I feel, and express my inner self. Thank you for the inspiration you've provided to push me forward.

I can identify with you over the pain of statistics. I took it in college and only managed to pass due to a grade curve. Stick with it. You'll make it.

I've just started a blog (, and I have placed a link on my blog to yours because I find yours so inspiring. Thanks again for helping me find the courage to make the art that has been welling up inside of me...

Nerd Bunny said...

Hi Suzi,
You are so right - YOU are not your test result! You are a beautiful inspiration to so many of us. Love and light,
NB x

jewlsntexas said...

this is a very important thing to remember - we are not human doings we are human beings - and each of us has value because we were made to have value -

violette said...

Hi Suzi.......i'm glad you're still loving yourself after getting a D! Good for you! Math really sucks! I failed a psych test once......i think i got 65 or or something like that...anyways i was used to getting "B's" B+ and A's. So i sobbed and went to the professor in tears. He couldn't believe how bad i felt. Really.......wish i knew then what you know now! You can save yourself so much grief!

You are an amazing muse to so many Suzi! You won't be needing math where you are going girl!