Saturday, October 20, 2007

mood swing

Oh its saturday.
you know how I feel about the weekends.
:(
Its funny right how everything is a blur and you are so busy you cant breathe and then all of a sudden.....it all stops.....and you still have a lot to do but you dont do it cause YOU JUST CANT LOOK AT ONE MORE MATH PROBLEM...and the cars drive by and you have the red light in the bulb and you just sit and wait to get tired enough to sleep.

a lot is going on, yes. I am selling paintings yes, oh but I sure can feel sorry for myself cant I. Its an easy trap to fall into when Im tired. and.
so no I dont know a lot of people in fact I dont know many really in life, isnt that ridiculous? that a person can be so busy she doesnt meet anyone. ever? crazy.
and normally its fine but eh...I do wish I had a gf to watch bad movies with.

patience. I know. I am grateful I have my lovely art friends here. thank god for that. or Id be half in a bottle of xanex by now : ) No, no, I have been sober for...May 5 was a year, so like a year and a half. I dont escape anymore. Just tea and art supplies and the occasional indie flick.

its just when its quiet like this I feel so very far away.
do you feel like that too?

I always think everyone has a cooler life than me. that I am behind somehow. that even though I do all of this creative stuff, ahhh...so much is missing from my life. It is balance, I know, something I am not good at.

32 comments:

* mY fRiEnDs cALL mE Rella * said...

Right here Suz...I know, Sweet Pea..alone can feel magnified on weekends........so we make art, right?!! or blog. Love that you put new things up like prints and cards. Fabulous!1 xo Rella

* mY fRiEnDs cALL mE Rella * said...

Oh..did the postcards arrive? It was my 'mailing test' to see how long it takes from here to there. xox Rella

red tin heart said...

Sometimes i am so lonley the only thing i feel is my heartbeat. i too wish i had friends to watch bad movies with. i am grateful for my art friends to, but i often wish i lived near someone who was like me. check out my funny video for a good laugh. xoxo nita

Lisa S. Oceandreamer said...

I believe that there are times we just need to wallow in the fog of it all. Just let ourselves soak in it(whatever we're feeling) until our fingers are all pruny. THEN magically step out, dry it all off and refresh because it's a new day. AND you realize you are worth a million bucks for simply being you. Alone can be good and alone can be...well, lonely. Just know there are lots of people there with you, handing you the popcorn and talking about that part in the movie that makes us laugh til our sides hurt. You may not see us, but we're there.
I hope that helps in the slightest way!
xo

amy said...

I think it's a crazy artist thing. Artists end up with alcohol and drug problems or other issues and are reclusive often. I think sometimes we feel too much so we decide to just "be" instead of seeking out others. We live with a certain passion that is hard to find in another. I don't know if that makes sense or not?

BriteCloud said...

One day your life will change and you will look back on this time and reminisce about how you used to be able to take a nap whenever you want and have quiet time, etc. I got caught in a trap of always looking back and not appreciating the way things were until it stopped being that way. So I try to stay more aware of appreciating how things are now. I used to be single and not know what to do with myself on the weekends. Life will change whether we want it to or not. I am wishing you one gloriously, fabulous girlfriend to spend the giggly times with and cry at sappy movies and talk about guys. If I was there, I would do that with you. :)

From the outside, looking in, it seems to me that this is your time to polish, polish, polish your beautiful talents and you MUST share them with us!!

Blessings!
Rhonda

HopelessPoet said...

luv u. don't lose hope. your dreams will come true. i believe in u.

Edie said...

well... I'm a new reader to your blog and website and I think you rock. I thank you for encouraging me to take little steps and just DO... and I love the way you do it. So while I can't watch movies or have a bit of tea with you, I'm checking in with you from work and WISHING I could be there to meet you in person and play. Thank you for being you. You matter.

suze said...

Suzi don't be blu! Do you know how many people envy you or want to be like you? Everything happens in it's time and I see great things in store for you. You just have to wait for that time...it WILL come.
Sending pink love <3 <3 <3

Linda said...

Suzi, It's hard to imagine that someone as funny, talented, beautiful and vibrant as you is lonely. I wish I could tell you how to go about making friends but alas I am just like you. I don't make friends easily because I'm just too shy in "real life". If I wasn't married I would probably feel totally alone. My unsolicited advice is to invite an interesting classmate over to study math with you. It might be a way to make something boring(?) more fun to do and you could end up with a new friend.

BTW, my journal page today was about being put off balance by my best friend, my husband. haha.

Jen said...

Hi!
yes, i've felt that way, too. i think lots of people have felt that way, especially when they slow down...like on a weekend;-)

there is a good feeling...one of connection and belonging that comes from...

hanging out with a friend in person and having enough time to share some experience together...or to connect in a lovely free flowing conversation...with no time pressure, no agenda per se...just one of enjoying each others company...

seems like it should be easy...or like it is for others..but in reality, i think it takes the right circumstances...two people who have the time, or can make it...and who see that relationship the same way...and give it similar importance...and it's not an uncommon situation...

i'm trying to remember when i had that feeling of connecting quite like that...an in person, real-time hanging out with my friend hey this is nice feeling...oh my, and then to have the knowledge that we would do it again...'cause it was just the way it was... ;-)

it is possible. it can be. i think that those that value this can find each other...it takes the time and the looking and trying and starting though..

love your blog. your ideas really connect to how people can feel..you challenge their thinking...you inspire them. you are warm, caring, and thoughtful,..and fun...i get this easily from seeing your work and hearing your words here...

i'd want to come over and watch (bad) movies with you, if i lived nearby...btw math was always my least favorite subject, i'm not that good at "balance" of this sort anyway...and i'd love to be as immersed in creative pursuits as you!

patience and persistence. I know
;-) and I know how that trap you mentioned goes when i'm tired...here's to getting "enough sleep"!

thank you for what you do: )

Robyn said...

Now that my DH is in the nursing home and my Number 2 Son spends weekends with his lady, I spend my weekends alone, too. Maybe we could spend our alone weekends together ... oh, yeah - there's that Pacific Ocean thing. Never mind, it will have to be virtual weekends instead.

((HUGS)) from Australia

marianne said...

You are my inspiration, your friends are out here, we are just a tad bit to far away to come for a cuppa and some art-fun time. Hugs

Anna Denise said...

I know how you feel.

Even though I now do have people around to watch movies with, it's like... I feel like I have to 'act' like someone happy and successful all the time. So then I rather be at home alone, but then I feel lost again.

I just wish I had friends who feel the same about art, about living, etc.

Well, take care. I love your art, your blog, your videos. You're not alone out here.

Brahdelt said...

I think good things come in pairs, or even in triplets! *^v^* So maybe very soon your life will change for better in the friendships department, in order to catch up with the great things happening in your art activities (being so inspired and inspirational for many, selling paintings). It's just the fate of the artful ones - to be slightly on the side of things and people, to feel more intensely everything that comes. If we were/felt/behaved different - we wouldn't be ourselves, right?
And we really don't want to change into somebody else, do we? (Although sometimes, for a moment, we think it would be easier to be like most of the others, with their families, children, well-paid 9-5 jobs, economical cars, regular holidays at the seaside and evenings in front of the tv... But then this thought passes and we are again grateful for being who we are, and 'normal' people don't seem so normal in the end!)
Hugs!!! *^v^*

Tyn said...

Hey Suzi-
I didn't know wearing sweats with paint and holes and laying the couch was the cool life. Wow I am SUPER cool!!! yeah!!
Anyway my kitties and I send a big sunshine hug from Pasadena, Ca.

meena p said...

:[

I agree with what some others have said, I think it happens much to us, the creative, the imaginative, to tend to live inside our heads, in our dreams, and to fall out of habit of reaching out to people, of making new friends. I've found that since I started dating, (some 8 years ago) I've lost what friends I thought I had. And now, it's so much harder to just randomly meet someone and become friends.

I'm on your coast lady, and I <3 watching bad movies (I just watched Cry Baby the other day, *drool* over young Johnny Depp!!), If you ever need a friend, or just to hang out and do something silly, shoot me an email (meena [at] countercultured [dot] net) or something, and we'll go rollerskating. Or take in a movie at the drive in. Or do something cheap and fun. Or make art. :]

Kira said...

Don't worry, sweets. I have a disability that keeps me from having a "normal" social life; I spend many a days alone with just my art or a good book to keep me company. But beauty can come from solitude -- just think of Emily Dickenson, who, from her thirties on, never left her home.

PJ said...

I think you'ld be suprised how many people live the same way! It's amazing how we can be so busy and be so alone! I feel like that a lot and I'm busy with job, family, older kids, etc.! It's the treadmill of life and sometimes it feels SO good to get off sometimes that is why I give myself the 'ok' to have tons to do and don't want to do it attitude ESP> on weekends! It's really O.K. Now I know how the capture of the creative mind can get a person in trouble...it's that little line you can't cross. I found your blog through a video of yours (that my daughter and I just LOVED) on the Inspire Me Thurs. -just to let you know ;) Gee, I don't have a gf to go to movies with either...gee, wish we were closer!!!

Artsy said...

When I'm feeling down..I just count my blessings and I realize things aren't all that bad. Embrace your bliss.

eM said...

chin up babe, you are a superstar and even superstars get lonely sometimes.
your 'physical being' my feel lonely here on earth today, but your 'spirit being' is out there, way out there, rocking our universe! remember that you are extraterrestrial baby!

MissKoolAid said...

I feel like that almost every weekend. Sometimes, it's like we live outside of other people's reality. And boy do I hear ya on the gf to watch bad movies with! It's not the same watching them alone!

grungedandy said...

Hi
People with great talent, often have a greater burden than the rest of us.
I often wish I had super human powers so I could fly anywhere in the world & hug people when they need it! The internet it so good at making the world a smaller place but some times you just need that human contact! My mum says I’m an empath which is why I feel others so keenly, If I was also super girl I’d be on your door step right now! Probably freakin you out LoL! Seeya hugya (sorry it’s not in real life, but if I win the lottery you never know) *G*

abrah said...

Hope you are getting out of your funk. I've been thinking of coordinating a chickflick event with my online friends LOL y'know, we all start at the same time and just chat away while watching it...

Nerd Bunny said...

Hey Suzi,
Sorry you are feeling lonely... It seems a lot of us get lonely too. Weekends here are just as you describe, the people disappear and being alone can be hard, (although sometimes I let it fuel my creativity). I too would like a friend like me who is happy with tea and cake and playing with art supplies, so I'm happy to be here at your journal. Sending love and light from Brighton, England, and wishing you were close enough for tea. Sending a hug and virtual cake! Thanks Suzi just for being you.
NB x

Christine Drevo said...

Suzi,

All artists have a lot of alone time, we tend to get so wrapped up in art that we forget that there are people out there! I myself find that I have a lost friends do to the art thing because they don't get it (art that is).

I would love to have more friends out here in Chandler, AZ that are into mixed media art or photography but alas I don't. But knowing I have you as well as others here on your blog it isn't that bad.

Hang in there and know that we all care about you.

Have a great week!!!

Christine

changapeluda said...

You know what I wish wish wish?

That you could have come w/me and Danielle to the Thrift Stores because everything was 50% OFF!

And October is the best time because I like to find everyday clothes in the Costume aisle.

:0]

Hélène Deroubaix said...

we're synchro
I think it's also due to the weather all these mood swings

so you've had depression and anxiety disorder too?
glad you've been sober
haven t taken any of these shit of meds but been feeling oh so bad in the Past...

I guess that's also why I just try to welcome the low spirits when they come ,it s just an emotions, a phase, something that need to be expressed and the busy blissful phase will come back again ^_^

I think it's so strange sometimes!
the land of emotions...
we can feel so loved so "happy" that it aches or moves you to tears ,really!
a week before I was like that, full of Bliss, delighted Happy Face ^___^
I was worrying a bit
"Oh goddess aren't I boring to be oh so blessed??"

ahah
I was even saying to myself, wow it s been so long I haven t felt melanchollic
and arrrrgh
shouldn t have thought this

now sipping my luckwarm( no good when it's luckwarm ( for everything):P fruit tea I can remember the taste of melancholly
of not wanting to go out, feeling all the lacks in my life and Goddess knows how still glad I am of the life I have :o)
sounds so ungrateful though :P

I guess sometimes we just bend on the wrong side and focuse on the lacks instead of focusing on all the beauties we have share feel make grow etc :-)

but For Goddess's sake we can not share luminous thinking and not allow ourselves some tear and low spirit once in a while!
it's just emotions, we have also the right to feel alone and doubt...
complain too ahah ^__^kind of enjoy that it s like punching ball when I'm upset :D

I'm not selling much art lately and I do feel like pooh about it:((
I wanted to vlog about it but no energy, maybe soon...

I do feel so far away too, disconnected, lonely and yet I know I have found thanks to internet many beautiful souls that share with me and I am blessed for this but sometimes you also maybe need some isolation to heal the feelings :)
I know right now I need to blog:)
and find a damn new apartment and that my love find a Damn first job grrrr
why life is so difficult for youngster with all this unemployment!!
grrrr
( complaint complaint)

lalalala

I also sometimes fall in that way of thinking that others have a cooler life than I , but I focuse on the wrong things:
that they have MONEY and a social life and a house and no worries with their bills...sighs

I am developping slowly my social life, but I am also a loner and whatever socialite I am I will always need my alone time ^_^

I don't feel imbalanced anymore, I think that artists are very sensitive persons and so we feel things stronger & this doesn't necessarily imply we're not balanced...maybe ok overreacting sometimes but more peaceful at others time this is the balance like the buddhism wisdom say the sun doesn't go without the rain the life without the death
all is one, we are one
that's I guess what makes us feel relate to others and their feelings

so what is that bad movie we're gonna see? I'm arriving tonight :-)
(kidding)

Blessed be suzi!

Leslie said...

After all the good stuff written above, I can't think of a single thing to say, except that I'd be happy to come watch a movie with you.

Marta said...

it's way too late, it's been a terrible day so this might sound incoherent and stupid. But I HAD to respond to this post as soon as I read it.

My feelings exactly. Sometimes you reach a point when you do have some free time, want to go out, have a drink, go to a gallery or just be goofy with someone, but then suddenly you realize there is absolutely noone to do it with. Not like they are unavailable at the time, they simply do not exist. Weekends are hell nowadays. I'm absolutely with you on this one sweetheart, and I too wish I could just enter this screen at times and be happy with the people I've become friends with online.

Onto other things: I was introduced to your videos a couple of weeks ago, and you have given me a tremendous, much needed inspiration boost, at a time I was really in need of it. You have not only made myself allow to express more freely on my art journals, which I have been making for years, but more importantly, everytime I watch your videos I get this mix of... urge to go out and explore, live, of FREEDOM, take everything in more profoundly, to LIVE!! And not feel like a mental patient while doing so, in this world where after centuries of evolution and discoveries, we STILL strugle everyday to become and express ourselves freely. For all of this, I am thankful for the work you do and I admire your courage to expose your self the way you do, while inspiring every single person in more ways than you cuold imagine.

Now how 'bout you take a flight to portugal sometime and come watch stupid movies over a gallon of ice cream? :p

a simple offering said...

i feel that way very much and most of the time.

a simple offering said...

the button that says something like "masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting" is really true.

i try to connect and it works for a while then i have to break away and be myself completely.

i don't think many people could handle the real me:)