Sunday, September 23, 2007

melancholionic

Do you get angry at this too?
This is what I have to do today:

Pooh fluids
breakfast/hair
bank
art store
home depot
grocery shopping
Statistics
make video
edit video
write over notes from last week
research language disabilities
Read 30 pages of Marriage and family

And today is a sunday, but this is not what Im mad at. 5 classes, an internship, making art to sell and starting a video art instruction show. This is 7 days a week, look how much I would loose if I took 'sunday off'. There is no off time if you want to be a full time artist PLUS keep your dayjob (bcz eating is nice). Non artists do not understand. They dont understand putting art above leisure and social activities. Or how paintings are company

and so are the stars and the leaves outside the window, and pooh sleeping quietly in the corner.
I do not know how those who in relationships do it. I have nothing to give another person in that respect. I mean, I have lots to give a friend. I have everything. I have myself. my whole entire self. But this entitlement in the romantic relationship...how they feel you owe them time. Big blocks of space because they need your undivided attention. I dont have that. I have an hour. I have time to listen to you with full attention, to have tea or pizza. to hold your hand and listen to whatever is going on. but then I have to go back to work. I have to figure out math problems and dream up new colors for fall.

But with the people in my life its all or nothing. They think Im blowing them off or how could I be too busy for them? No one sees how mUch I have to give because it does not look like the way they think I should be to them. And no one, no one, wants to accomodate my new schedule.

I long for company in which I could do my thing and yet I dont have to entertain you. How your best friend is the one who is content to just be there, breathing the same air. Or giving a quick kiss and a yoohoo. Holding you while you read your text book.

I dont have that and its probably okay. Its definitely okay. So much is happening now. I am on the edge of living the life Ive always wanted. And it has nothing to do with how Ive done it before. Its giving everything I have and expecting nothing in return. Its making art as if my life depended on it, and being there for all the people who have just bought their journals. You are afraid to mess up the pages. Its a metaphor for messing up your life you know. That fear of mistakes. and how I want to give them a place where fear does not live.

I am not giving that up for anyone.
At this point its either come with me, or get out of the way, right?
And it seems to me even though I feel very alone here in the studio apartment this sunday ( I always get like this on sundays I dont know why) with the fan blowing and my To Do list glaring at me, I know that all of this is very important. That there are real lives out there to touch even though I cant feel them through the screen. and it sounds so melodramatic I know but thats what Im here for.

Sorry to be sad. My video will be happy because I have much to show you. Its nearly 9 am so let me get going on the mundane things on my list so I can hurry up and get to the good stuff.

see you later
love and kisses,
miss blU

10 comments:

tascha said...

I know how you feel. I work on art every day. It does make it hard to have time for people in your life. I try and make time for it though, because it is important to take time off and enjoy people and the outdoors.
You do have to be bold and tell them that this is what you do, and it isn't a 9 to 5. It took a long time for my boyfriend to understand this. Just because his work was over at 5 PM didn't mean mine was too.
Basically you have to be firm about what you do, but at the same time try and block out some time where you give yourself to them entirely.
Take care.
Give Pooh a big hug from me. I had a diabetic kitty who died 2 years ago. I gave her insulin shots 2 times a day and I know how hard it is to cope with a sick kitty.
Meows and purrs.

Dawn said...

suzi-blu... i have just found you via ebay, and (please don't be afraid here, but -) i loooove you. yes i do. i love your art, i love your energy, i love your cat. i, too, have an orange tabby. her name is jessy jane (tho i found out that is a porn star name - oops!) well, she is a rescue kitty, and i call her jessy jane becuz she survived the mean streets of s. rochester (MN). yep, that's right. so, well, dear girl, i think we have things in common, not to mention our love of blue! (wink) serendipity? hmmm. =) you are very inspiring to me. veeery tre' magnifique (sp?)... special and perfect! thank you for sharing yourself in such a FULL TO THE BRIM AND BUBBLIN' OVER kind of way. as soon as i can, i am going to buy art from you. your work is b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l, so so so beautiful and free. you are who i always wanted to be as an artist, and you have definitely inspired me to just CREATE! i am going to journal with you, and take a(nother) chance at simply BEING ME! thank you humbly for your inspriration. you are a breath of fresh air. peace to you and pooh. -xo-

Judy Wise said...

It is just as you say - a 60+ hour week with little time for relationships. My DH of 27 years (yes, that long) does the cooking and we take turns on the housekeeping but I know I neglect him and others I love for my art. I feel guilty and weird but that is how I am and I cannot give up my passion. Those lists. Those emails. And yes, I have a 17 year old cat in kidney failure. But art. Art saves me. Art keeps the soul alive.

Thank you for your wonderful videos. You are a shining star.

Dawn said...

hello again,
i just wanted you to know that i've painted all morning on some little 8x8 inch canvases. what bliss! i haven't done that for awhile... uuummmmm. oil painting! my hands smell like turpentine, artwork and the indescribible zone of creation! thank you suzi bluzi. i'm going out walkin now in this warm september day and admire the fall colors... there is like some unbelieveable tropical wind blowin in southern MN and i feel tahitian and carefree! that's how much YOU inspired me this morning! =) blessings to you and pooh. DAWN

Anam said...

Suzi, I feel so lucky to have found you. You inspire me & give me hope. You make me smile and dream and try new things. You bring me to tears. I could go on and on but the space won't allow my ramblings. I have questions about journaling. I have some Portfolio pastels coming soon but I want to know what kind of paints you use. Are they Acrylic craft paints? Also, when we're layering in our pages and you talk about dribbling ink..what kind of ink? I'm new at this but all my life I have dreamed of doing it. Now, I am brave enough to make bad art! I look forward to hearing from you.

Pooh...beautiful Pooh, I send you all my love.

<3 Anam

Anam said...

I always seem to have a second thought..or question after I hit that ENTER button.

The pencil I see you use in your Jornal video..what kind? Watercolor, reg. colored pencils?

Thank you, Suzi
For so many things.

M.dlv said...

Suzi: I have added a link from my blog to yours, I hope you don't mind. I absolutely love what you are doing.
M.

Val said...

Sis...WOW... Again... u just described the story of my life...my romantic life...my social life. I knew we share the same history together...but never imagine how wide... Love you sis.!

changapeluda said...

Hullo!

heee heeee...look @ chooo now girl, you got so much L-O-V-E
it's comin' out your ears!


i know, i been reading your comments.

a simple offering said...

such is life as an artist.

i like to create at night so i stay up when others go to bed.
(I don't like the sun so much and i like cold overcast winters and thunderstorms)

it is tough to function in this world with such a personality