Do you get angry at this too?
This is what I have to do today:
write over notes from last week
research language disabilities
Read 30 pages of Marriage and family
And today is a sunday, but this is not what Im mad at. 5 classes, an internship, making art to sell and starting a video art instruction show. This is 7 days a week, look how much I would loose if I took 'sunday off'. There is no off time if you want to be a full time artist PLUS keep your dayjob (bcz eating is nice). Non artists do not understand. They dont understand putting art above leisure and social activities. Or how paintings are company
and so are the stars and the leaves outside the window, and pooh sleeping quietly in the corner.
I do not know how those who in relationships do it. I have nothing to give another person in that respect. I mean, I have lots to give a friend. I have everything. I have myself. my whole entire self. But this entitlement in the romantic relationship...how they feel you owe them time. Big blocks of space because they need your undivided attention. I dont have that. I have an hour. I have time to listen to you with full attention, to have tea or pizza. to hold your hand and listen to whatever is going on. but then I have to go back to work. I have to figure out math problems and dream up new colors for fall.
But with the people in my life its all or nothing. They think Im blowing them off or how could I be too busy for them? No one sees how mUch I have to give because it does not look like the way they think I should be to them. And no one, no one, wants to accomodate my new schedule.
I long for company in which I could do my thing and yet I dont have to entertain you. How your best friend is the one who is content to just be there, breathing the same air. Or giving a quick kiss and a yoohoo. Holding you while you read your text book.
I dont have that and its probably okay. Its definitely okay. So much is happening now. I am on the edge of living the life Ive always wanted. And it has nothing to do with how Ive done it before. Its giving everything I have and expecting nothing in return. Its making art as if my life depended on it, and being there for all the people who have just bought their journals. You are afraid to mess up the pages. Its a metaphor for messing up your life you know. That fear of mistakes. and how I want to give them a place where fear does not live.
I am not giving that up for anyone.
At this point its either come with me, or get out of the way, right?
And it seems to me even though I feel very alone here in the studio apartment this sunday ( I always get like this on sundays I dont know why) with the fan blowing and my To Do list glaring at me, I know that all of this is very important. That there are real lives out there to touch even though I cant feel them through the screen. and it sounds so melodramatic I know but thats what Im here for.
Sorry to be sad. My video will be happy because I have much to show you. Its nearly 9 am so let me get going on the mundane things on my list so I can hurry up and get to the good stuff.
see you later
love and kisses,